JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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