I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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