Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
