i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you would pick up someone in the library
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
