i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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