I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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