If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
