Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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