I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
