Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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