woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I party with great urgency now.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
