Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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