People in love make me want to vomit
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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