Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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