There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
