So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
