if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
