my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
