Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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