i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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