Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
