How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
