and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
