I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Too much gin, very little bucket
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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