I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
