I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
love makes seman taste better
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
