Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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