Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize