Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
