Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
