There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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