WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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