It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
