plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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