Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
