remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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