no, he came in my armpit
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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