Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
