After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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