She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
