I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize