don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
