The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
