oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
