So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
