He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
