hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
