My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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