my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
