I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
