get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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