Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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