My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
