I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
