My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
