i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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