life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Someone came in the potted fern
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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