You really coming over, don't trick.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
