I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
