so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
