i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
